"life is a peculiar event. u are a part of it, yet can be apart from it. u definitely "have" life( or else you wouldnt be alive), but does life "have" you? do you know where u belong? do you know why you're here? do u understand the reason for ur existence, and can u comprehend the possibility if u not being "here"? because that possibility seems fathomably simple. but that's because we dont know which part of life we're tied into. therefore we cant compute the result of us not being in it. i feel like i'm not a part of anything. possibly attributed to army syndrome. which is a critical illness that can only be cured by ord. something of a commodity, actually. well but commodities arent conventionally living things, unless u are a farmer, or an unconventional trader.
in any sense, i feel this terrible feeling today that i lack so much, possess nothing, and want what i cannot get. all of which mean the same actually, because one leads to the other.
i feel mentally deficient, physically inoperative, and emotionally (unrendered??) waiting for my cough to get better. i miss the taste of beer. i find i do things to find that i feel apart from it. and yet i still do them anyway. perhaps to find that in time they belong to me."