Scouting for possibilities in recording equipment. Cheapest i would need abt 4k plus. Need to save really if i want to put that at home. And basically also rotted wed thur and fri away, trying not to feel anything. But it's impossible, as usual. Because life is full of paradoxes.
i'm feeling so awake right now. And i dont feel like gg tmr really. I have a feeling i wont see a lot of ppl i know there... I hope it's a wrong feeling. I'm also so chattery now. Typing furiously into my samsung soul. Nervous energy? It's actually more of a frantic scramble for material to come out of my mind to document. To take me back. To take me away from what's bothering me now. To take me away from e feeling. I wonder if e tinman in e wizard of oz really did feel e difference in e end. I'm writing gibberish. Nonsense that no one's gonna read.
Hey. well seriously, i'm kinda down..yrcemekamtnodos; i havent since god knows when.
well a more proper update- i cant slp now. It's friday. E last day of my leave extending from this yr's cny holidays. I'd better appreciate it. Cos now its saturday and feb march will be super busy for my unit. Doubt I'll be in g12 much. Already sms ps to be off roster till mid march. And then april is e 1st ippt window. Army life is so predictable. Reality check today: recovering from my knee has made me weaker, in terms of stamina mainly, tho i notice that sth's not right with my run. Anyhow i ran a little today. Just to get e feeling back. Running's abt e feeling. And i did light gym, mainly to prep myself for mock ippt on monday. Crazy realizing how much i've lost cos of my knee injury. Moral of story: dont get injured. Be careful. and while gyming i realised also how sian it is to go alone. And i missed my best friend's company. And yours.
anyhow this is an update, not a open-heart session. I caught bride wars at lido with a friend. That was before cny. And it was funny. But.. I didn't understand e hustle over spoiling each other's wedding. Lol. Anyway... moving to cny, met new uncles and grandaunts. Haha well not new. But because i havent seen them for maybe 15 years, they seem new to me. And discovered a side of my autistic brother: he likes babies. Or toddlers if we're to be specific. Cos my uncles and grand aunts brought 2 baby girls to my grandparents hse on chu yi. And my little bro was all over them. Holding their head, touching their face, waving fingers at them. Or maybe he just finds them pretty. LOL. and one of them married an ang moh! His wife is an australian blonde. So one of e baby girls has u noe, brown hair and e kind of features mixed genes would bring. Haha. Cute. And spent 2nd day with a few jc classmates. Played a few games then vic haf to leave for nz exercise. Which is good, cos after that he ord. Bad is of course, e timing. And basically spent last 2 days gg around town scouting.
Sometimes ppl ask others questions so that they have an outlet, an opportunity to reassess a given situation where they may be undecided. It may be to see that person's response to knowing that something, it may also be that person's need to ponder out loud because that person's undecided. Anyway the luck's really for you. And i think you do. Cos u said so urself. Haha.. oh well....
i just hope u dont leave.
================== caught bride wars with my smart friend. Who even predicted e ending. Lol. I enjoyed e show. Lucky i didn't quarrel with e driver. Cos he couldn't possibly compensate me that movie with that friend. Well, an inside joke. Haha..
well. I want to write 7 christian songs before i'm 21. That'll be like some sort of committment for me. I duno if i can do it. But i think it's in good spirit to do so cos i also write 'worldly' songs from time to time... Planning to set up some form of recording system at home- need money!
if u asked me if i loved my parents, my answer now would have to be no. If u had asked me 10 years ago, it could have been a yes. See, it has died. Hope for peace, happiness and some form of understanding has, as it is orthodox of hope, been blown out, rekindled by a struggling heart, put out by cold words, relit by an insane mind hoping for an impossible eventuality, which finally sees it snuffed out. Totally? After all these years of believing in hope. I would give my talent and all i'm good at to have a happy home. To do away with e curse and violence. For e last 7 months till our law recognises me as an adult, cant i have this? Why get married if u gonna have this day in day out for 20 years? U say u loved him? He says he loves u but you dont? Wtf? Can u not speak in riddles?
i dont want to feel this way anymore. Come time I'll leave it all behind. Sorry. I'll just get away:(
and i promised myself not to be bothered by this anymore. But it's not really working.
:( i flared at my superior today. For a small thing. I wasn't in e wrong. But after it i felt it was totally unnecessary. But i was burning and irritated. Hot. And fucking hell i still am. But i've said sorry. Cos i'm trying not to be a hypocrite this year. Can i try to be a better christian?
late. Tired lahh.. Shdn't be gg g12 cos duty tmr.
and thank you. You wont know how much i appreciated it. Cos i suck at this kind of things. but give urself a chance. Okay?
sorry. I gotta slp. Thank you for e unconsciousness.
My parents are FIGHTING again. fuck them. Fuck marriage. Fuck love. Fuck you. And you. Lucky my session was short. I cant fucking sleep. And fuck you, fuck everything:(:( my heart's so pain it's i can hear it beating in my head.
It's just another burn, and I'll be quieter e next time around. It's just another knock and I'll get quicker before too long. It's just another tear i'll choose to spill another time. and where will u be in my heart next time around? next time around? next time around? you'll still be somewhere always in there but i wont know where to look for you next time around.
Feeling kind of drained and weary. I don't know why. Must be e long day from old folks home to army formation celebration- din go church. Cant be helped i guess.
on my way home now. Short update on last week: met with frens to go eat japanese buffet kuishin-bo( hope i din spell wrong) at great world. Been a while since i went there. Anw it was nice eating and enjoying with frens. Esp after so long. Then wanted to go look at shops but cos we stayed in e buffet too long all e shops were closed by e time we left. Lol. So bus-ed to orchard. Then walked to cine. And hang ard then went home.
this week, watched australia.tmr i want to gym. But dun wan go alone lei. I wan get back my fitness. I bet when i run again next month I'll be so short of breath. Hmmm..
one: i will not be a hypocrite. ( if you don't know me, u can read this as i have always been one or sometimes am or anything else. That's all i'm writing.)
two: i must be true to myself. that's what's important to me this year.